just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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