I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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