your thong is hanging out like whoa
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
my poor anus
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
