my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
