I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize