You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
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I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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