I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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