Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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