You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
