My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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