She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
