I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
