it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
