I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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