Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
