it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
