OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Rumble strips road head = magical
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
They took my balls.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
