So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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