I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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