First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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