Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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