the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
