My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
