Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
