He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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