So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
