I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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