Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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