My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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