sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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