yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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