The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
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i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
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Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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