I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
