Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
