when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
