Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
