guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
