one two three fourrrrnication!
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
