My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
