i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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