Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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