Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
