im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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