i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
