what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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