Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
