I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
