Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
