Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
