you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
