Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
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He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
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I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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