Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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