I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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