Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
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Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
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I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
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