sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
