The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
