Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
