Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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