tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
