I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
