you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
