Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
