I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
